Challenges

Life brings many challenges, in many forms, doesn't it? And the Lord is so good at surprising us with little lessons that we need to learn right smack dab in the middle of those challenges. You wold think that after all these years I would "get it" but unfortunately I tend to take the hard way through each and every time - and then wonder why I keep repeating each challenge.

Last month I finally figured out "what I want to be when I grow up." At least that's what I think. In taking the culmination of my life experiences and wrapping them up in a pretty package of what I am passionate about, I have decided to become a Professional Organizer. But as in any venture, I am forced to look at my own space and work on it before venturing out in the the great big world. Unfortunately I am running into more ditches than I am jumping hurdles. And the only explanation I have is that there is something I am supposed to learn while wallowing around in those ditches.

My life has experienced some of the roughest times in the last three and a half years. I have seen heart wrenching loss and joyous gain. Depression and elation. Tears of laughter and tears of pain. It has been a veritable roller coaster ride. Yet I need to come to terms with the fact that I chose this life and I must learn to hang on through each rise and fall. I have been tempted to get off several times, but I am consistently reminded that there is a lesson I am to learn. Why, oh why, can I not learn so that the ride will smooth itself out?

Here is the lesson I must learn now (Lord help me!). I need to be content in my own surroundings, with those who do not "see" organization in the same way as I do. WOW!  Talk about a compromise I am not sure how to make! I need to be able to perform a job, begin a career, in an area in which I cannot control myself. And not being in control of something is NOT my forte! But I am afraid that if I cannot do this one small thing, my revelation of becoming an organizer will plummet and I will wallow, once more, in a pile of goop and wonder why I cannot learn lessons I am meant to learn.

So, as I begin this new chapter in my life, I would ask for your prayers and support (by way of encouragement and referrals) to slowly begin to appreciate and be content in my surroundings, loving my new family unconditionally, as I relinquish the strong hold I have had on my life that I was never intended to have. I know that the Lord is faithful to complete the work He started in me and I look forward to this new dream He has allowed me to pursue.

Merry Christmas?

It is Christmas Day and here I am cruising through Facebook wondering who else is either avoiding something or is so bored that they have nothing better to do on Christmas morning other than be on the internet. Scary. But as I am perusing the little comics and anecdotes, I run across a few sentences that just kick me right in the gut and I just need to vent it.

"Enjoy these crazy, busy, hectic times, for someday you will be missing those exact moments."

Seems like a harmless enough sentence for those that have not had to endure any loss. But for those of us who have had some sort of life-changing event take place, this hits harder than a punch to the gut.

Memories are strong around the holidays and we remember so many instances where we may have been frustrated or angered with family. (It usually is family who gets the brunt end of of our bad attitudes.) The tension arise with unfulfilled expectations, poor decisions, and the angst of all the family being in such close proximity for such long periods of time. By the time the holidays are over, we lay in bed and wonder how we "missed" it and we vow to do things differently, better, the next year. Inevitably they do not change much.

I can recount so many holidays where my children moaned and groaned about trying to fulfill some tradition that I deemed important. The tree must be erected on a certain day and certain people were to have the "privilege" of decorating the home with me. Candlelight service was to be attended in our Christmas finery. Pajamas were to be opened on Christmas Ever and we MUST watch "It's a Wonderful Life."  Midst the moaning, however, there were a few laughs and smiles. The tree eventually was decorated and the children complained the entire month that is was up, anticipating the dreaded day when all of their work would be undone. I would end up taking everything down while they were not there and "surprising" them with a normal surrounding once more. Of course I was moaning and complaining the entire time because I got no help.

Then there were the endless dashed hopes and wishes of the day after Christmas. The gifts were acknowledged and set aside. The boxes and paper had been disposed of and the together time had become stifling. All the rush of the preparations, the adrenaline of the times, dissipated in less than twenty-four hours. Promises to scale down and appreciate the family more next year fade by the end of October when the stores are once again filled with enticing ways of distracting us.

All of this pricks my heart as I no longer have that. All of the frustration I once felt turned into regret of never experiencing those crazy, busy, hectic times. Sure I see the decorations in the stores and I do have  my new family, but it isn't the same. The dynamics have changed. The players have changed in this season of life. But I haven't changed.

I want to leave all of you with a few thoughts.

You may never be able to go through a stress-free Christmas. You  may not have a family who will wake up one day and be the spitting image of a Rockwell-ian painting. You may go through some terrible crises as a family around the holidays. But the fact still remains that you NEVER can predict when those family member, those dear friends, those loved ones who continued "tradition" no matter how troublesome the moments were, will not be there. Life happens. Circumstances change. Divorce, Disease. Death. They are game-changers. We need to forever keep that thought in the forefront of our minds in order to appreciate even the tough times we face.

Finding my voice

After writing yesterday's blogpost I got called on the carpet about not helping anyone. Well, the people-pleaser that I am, I just HAD TO address that.

If you will recall, I wrote about being a people-pleaser, being a perfectionist and I suppose there was a little "procrastination" thrown in the mix. Well, I honestly don't want to stay there. I want to grow and become a better writer. And if you are in the same boat as I am, you will not want to stay stagnant as a a writer either. So this is my attempt at helping myself as well as you (only because I am a little selfish that way).

When I turned forty, MANY years ago, something happened to me. For some reason the filter I had on my tongue just disappeared. I began spouting off things that eventually led to a series of events that I now regret. I had been so excited at the time because I felt as if I could finally speak my mind and actually get away with it. I felt liberated. I mean, I had always looked up to older generations and wanted to have the courage to say what was on my mind. I was so excited to have finally have found "my voice."

Years passed and I hurt so many people in the wake of my life. They left me, said cruel things, and abandoned me to my selfish ways. I understand now that they were merely responding to the things that I said, but at the time I honestly believed that they were trying to curtail "my voice." and since I had discovered it, I felt it as much a part of me as it should have always been. I began a blog. I expressed my feeling of hurt and frustration at the world around me, not considering anything but the fact that I was now finally able to express myself.

Then I met a man.

This man, in spite of the fact that I continued to express my thoughts and opinions, did not retaliate. (Well, he did a little, but that was for his own protection.) He assured me that he would always give me the freedom to use "my voice." BUT something he did changed EVERYTHING! He began to show me that what I had been doing for years was NOT using my voice but merely speaking my mind. He showed me that there was a distinct difference. The difference was this....drumroll, please....

Using my voice meant taking all of me, the past experiences, the doubts, the fears, the memories, the dreams, the highs and lows, and recognizing that nobody in the world had that unique combination. These things made me who I was. And filtering what I said through those experiences was actually "my voice." 

WOW! What a revelation! Did you get that? We are each unique. We each have a voice and it has NOTHING to do with age or having the ability to speak your mind. When the skill of using one's voice is honed, we will not deliberately hurt others haphazardly. We will be able to use the power of our words, filtered through everything, and find something beautiful to say.

So, my writer friends...Do you see what your voice is? Do you see how there will never be another person in the world who writes exactly like you do? You are unique!  Don't do what I did and try to imitate those famous authors who seem to sneeze out a novel every year. They may be a good writer, but they had discovered their voice a long time ago and it took them years to get to where they are today. Do you really want to be just like them? Do you want to go through everything they had to go through to get where they are? It took me almost fifty years to get where I am, I have no intention of starting over. I want to start now!

So, while I sit here, attempting to convey a very strong message, I will slowly figure out my venue for expressing the beauty that I know is within me. I sit here and raise my coffee cup to all of you who will joint me in the pursuit of not just finding, but using, your voice!

Hello. My name is Petra, and I am a people-pleaser.

Can you relate at all? Please say yes. Because I don't want to be in this boat alone. But the clincher is, I am also a perfectionist. These two traits are totally self-destructive when it comes to being a writer. Want to know how I know this? It took me all of thirty minutes to come up with the first five sentences of this blog when it should have taken me two!

I start things and then don't finish them because there is something that isn't "quite right." Then I go back and if there is something that might be just the least bit offensive I take it out. I am left with nothing. So what is my solution? Don't do anything. On my "writing" bookshelves I have countless projects I have begun - memoirs, stories, ideas, character profiles, and even a bit of poetry that sit gathering dust. My email inbox is overflowing with advice and wonderful how-to advice. Boy do I love reading those! I have my Pinterest board  "writing" full of articles I think I will get around to at some point and one board full of inspirational quotations.

Most of the writing advice is, "Sit and just write!" What a wonderful thought. I think I will ponder that for a while and let it REALLY sink in. While I do that I think I will flip the TV on and watch hours of mindless television. Or perhaps I will read. No, reading puts me in a mood to write because I start to think. And the ideas somehow get stuck in my head. I have read about the idea of "dumping." Have you? It is where you just sit with a pen and paper and just write EVERYTHING that comes into your head. Well, I just cannot bring myself to do that. My handwriting would be atrocious or it would have no order to it. Darn that perfectionism!

Let me further address the aspect of the people-pleasing side of me, since that is how I began this post. (See how I have to have everything just so even now?) I have a mind and a voice that is screaming in my head to be freed. But I am paralyzed because I fear that people will judge me for those thoughts and not like me anymore. So those ideas and opinions stay trapped in an endless cavern, eventually to die because of malnutrition. (Yes, I personify my ideas since they are so alive in this naggen of mine.)

So, maybe I am not cut out to be a writer.

Nah....my stubbornness takes over here and keeps me just frustrated enough early in the morning where I sit in front of a blank screen and force myself to write - even something horrible - so I can press the backspace key and make it blank again.

Hello, my name is Petra and I am a stubborn, perfectionist, people-pleaser. Enough about me....How are you? And tell me YOUR affliction in writing.

Expressing creativity doesn't come easily to me. That may sound odd to some of you, but it is true. Notice that I said "expressing" creativity and NOT creativity itself. Ever since I can remember I have found ways to make something, whether furniture for my Barbie dolls when I was a child or crocheted blankets as an adult. I used to teach how to rubber stamp when I sold Stampin' Up! products and I told every one of my classes, "Each of us are creative in our own way. We were made in the image of God who is the Ultimate Creative being!" I honestly believe that. Your platform may be taking pictures, baking cookies, gardening, or painting. Your outlet could be cooking, designing buildings, organizing or teaching. Each of us has a creative side and I think it is marvelous!

Lately I have been having somewhat of a "creative block." Not because I have become non-creative, but because I seem to have been overwhelmed with so many ideas that I have thrown up my hands in despair, not knowing where to begin. I have so many books to read that I feel as if the virtual and literal bookcases are going to fall in on me and drown me. My head and notebooks are filled with ideas that cry out to be let loose in some forum. My craft bins contain projects that I have been itching to finish, and I am afraid that I have forgotten so much of my trip to Europe over two years ago that I will not do the scrapbook justice. My baskets are overflowing with yarn projects and I get frustrated that they will not be completed in time for Christmas. And my cookbooks are gathering dust on my baker's rack."Calgon, take me away!!!"

Alas, there is no Calgon. Only my will and time.

Therefore, I am going to attempt to do some of the things that I long to do, and if others get lost in the mix, I will trust that I will either eventually get to them or they were never meant to be finished. I have been listening to and reading some wonderfully inspirational speakers and they all have some great thoughts. But the bottom line is I need to get off my "bottom" and just act upon SOMETHING. So here I am, writing to you. I want to share with you my thoughts, struggles, ills, insights, and possible a few hard lessons that I have learned along the way. This is going to be one of the ways I "express" my creativity.

Today I am going to begin a calendar, of sorts, to jot down what I would like to express. This is my journey. This is life as I know it. I realize that not everyone will see things the way I do, but some of you will. Some of you will want to hear what I have to say and some of you won't. That's okay. I have to learn that lesson, and I am learning that lesson daily. I just ask that if you enjoy or are even curious about what I have to express, please pass this along to others who you light think might enjoy it as well. Come back and see me often, as I am committing myself to you. You never know what will pop up on this blog. How do I know that? Because I don't even know for sure. That's the fun of expressing myself. I promise to be honest and forthright. My sense of humor may or may not come through. But I am determined to be real. My desire is to have my soul exposed. So please be kind.

Until next time,

Petra

Passion

PASSION

I have always thought of myself as a passionate person. Not sure why. Maybe when I am measured up next to someone who is quiet, I can see myself as passionate. Or perhaps it is because I can get loud when I am defending myself or a point of view that I have. Or maybe it is because of the fact that when I am doing something that I like, my attention is focused on that which I am doing. But now, as I sit alone here in my study, I have to question, "Am I really passionate?"

Yesterday, my fiance spent the whole day taking pictures of places where he grew up - places from which his family hailed. He spent hours talking to people about his heritage. He took two things he is passionate about - photography and genealogy - and married them in such a beautiful way. Then he came home and 

talked more about his day that I have ever heard him talk before. He has passion!

I get on the computer and I scroll through Pinterest and YouTube looking at things I like and I constantly come across websites and videos of people who are passionate about something. They want the world to know that they LOVE what they do, whether it be crafting, reading, blogging, writing novels, teaching how to do things...it is a powerful force - passion.

This definition was taken from the encyclopedia:

Passion (from the Latin verb patere meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, compelling enthusiasm or desire for anything.

You know what I am talking about, don't you? I am sure that if you were honest with yourself you would find that there is a hobby, a person, a topic that you are passionate about. I think that is marvelous! I honestly do. But at the same time, can I say..."I am completely jealous"?  Those of you who know me would think I am being completely ridiculous. But before you completely dismiss my admission, please hear me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am a little tree which is blown to and fro in the wind - the winds that come from one direction in the form of "writing" and then the next direction in the form of "crafting." I really like doing those things. Honestly. But then I get started on something because that "passion" is ignited and then a slight breeze blows, perhaps in the form of technology and I get sidetracked. I want nothing more than to get excited about the new electronic gadget. I get a little consumed. Oh, but then the breeze of reading comes along and I just start collecting every book I can and spend countless hours curled up wherever I can, reading. I can get very passionate about reading. But, darn it, another breeze blows me in the direction and I want nothing more than to research all of my family history. I seems like nobody else is as "passionate" about is as I am.

Now, some would say, "Petra, there is nothing wrong with liking all of those things and even participating in them." Of course I understand that, but that's not the point, is it? I desire to have the passion, not to do lots of things fairly well, but to do something well, and passionately to the point where it somehow defines who I am. I don't want the legacy of being the one who was swayed by each passing breeze. There simply isn't enough time in my days to pursue a multitude of interests so vehemently.  I want to be propelled out of bed in the morning to pursue something and not be satisfied until I complete something that fuels my passion. I want to lay in bed, trying to sleep, but being consumed by how I want to work on that something with passion.

Trying to discover the passionate side without being overwhelmed is difficult. Because one person might suggest I devote my time and attention to one area solely based on the fact that they either understand that particular thing or they have been impressed with something I have done. But people are different, aren't they? And therefore another person will encourage me to pursue something that maybe interests them. But passion comes from within each person and one cannot compel another person to be passionate for selfish reasons. Each person must discover for themselves their passion, that motivating desire that brings joy to their soul and makes their eyes dance and flicker when they speak about it.

I guess that's the answer. I must listen, not to the words that come out of my mouth of what my desires are, but listen to my heart. What makes my heart skip a beat when I speak about it? What makes my soul sing when I am doing it? This is what I desire. I want to find the song in my spirit. I want to dance, perhaps not literally, when I think about my passion.

I challenge you as well to find that passion within you. Don't be ashamed or hide from it because you don't think others will find it silly. What they will see, if they really care about you, is the life that you are living. The joy in your heart and the light in your eyes. What kind of world would we be a part of (even our small part) if we all saw the light in each other instead of faults?

Just a little rambling,

Petra

Instant Gratification

Everyone knows that we live in a world of instant gratification. The success of certain television shows is one example. Scenes from Downton Abbey are short and move quickly. People are fascinated with trying to "speed things up." Think of all of the technology in the world today that strives to make things "easier." (AKA quicker) From the minute we wake up in the morning, grabbing a "quick" shower" to a quick cup of coffee. Breakfast in the microwave, if at all. Dishwasher to quickly do the dishes. Quick commute to work. Quick lunch so we can do something for ourselves during that hour (if we indeed get an hour). And the particular activity, whether reading, chatting with co-workers, taking a walk or playing a game, must also be done quickly in order to return to work. Then home to quickly get dinner and quickly do the chores to get to bed and start the whole routine over again.

This is the dilemma in which I now find myself and I am intrigued at the fact that it took me so long to discover this about myself. I am caught up in that same notion of instant gratification. And I believe that this fact alone has caused me to postpone doing so many of the things that I had, in the past, so enjoyed doing.

Many of you knew me when I would spend hours making cards and putting together photo albums. I still have all of the supplies and they sit, gathering dust, somewhere in my home. Why? I so enjoy being creative and making something from various pieces of paper and such. So why have I not continued? I know. Because it takes too long to get everything out, craft, and them put it all away again.

I love to write. And some have even indicated that I am fairly proficient at it. But I want instant gratification, and since writing takes SO LONG, I just continue to procrastinate until I either move on to another idea for a story which I then start but never finish, or I lose patience with it altogether. Then I think, "Short story! Forget the novel - it takes too long." But that gets pushed aside for yet another idea for something-or-other. It just isn't quick enough.

I am finding all this new techie stuff, things to make my writing easier. Ways to get motivated to craft. But the technology designed to get me excited about doing things, just turns into another excuse to find another quick solution.

This might seem like mere ramblings to some of you, and for that I apologize. I am just tired of the rat race and look forward to slowing down. Honestly. I do WANT to complete some projects. I want to sit in front of the television and crochet mindlessly for hours. I want to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to finish a few pages in the photo album I started of my trip to Europe two years ago. I want to open up the computer and sit, sipping coffee, and allowing the words of my story to flower into a beautiful garden.

This shouldn't be difficult for me!  I am a planner!  I make lists! I formulate plans! Why can't I simply make this stuff happen? Why can't I just relax and take the time I need to complete something? Why can't I get past the whole idea of instant gratification? I mean after all, some of my fondest memories have come from those times where I did just that.

Maybe I will just make a list of all the things I need to stop doing. Maybe I will make a plan of attack. Maybe I will just stay home from work today and think about the state of my affairs. Nah!  I need to be able to eat and afford all of the stuff that makes my life "quicker." Fun will just have to wait.

Until my next ramblings,

Petra