Merry Christmas?

It is Christmas Day and here I am cruising through Facebook wondering who else is either avoiding something or is so bored that they have nothing better to do on Christmas morning other than be on the internet. Scary. But as I am perusing the little comics and anecdotes, I run across a few sentences that just kick me right in the gut and I just need to vent it.

"Enjoy these crazy, busy, hectic times, for someday you will be missing those exact moments."

Seems like a harmless enough sentence for those that have not had to endure any loss. But for those of us who have had some sort of life-changing event take place, this hits harder than a punch to the gut.

Memories are strong around the holidays and we remember so many instances where we may have been frustrated or angered with family. (It usually is family who gets the brunt end of of our bad attitudes.) The tension arise with unfulfilled expectations, poor decisions, and the angst of all the family being in such close proximity for such long periods of time. By the time the holidays are over, we lay in bed and wonder how we "missed" it and we vow to do things differently, better, the next year. Inevitably they do not change much.

I can recount so many holidays where my children moaned and groaned about trying to fulfill some tradition that I deemed important. The tree must be erected on a certain day and certain people were to have the "privilege" of decorating the home with me. Candlelight service was to be attended in our Christmas finery. Pajamas were to be opened on Christmas Ever and we MUST watch "It's a Wonderful Life."  Midst the moaning, however, there were a few laughs and smiles. The tree eventually was decorated and the children complained the entire month that is was up, anticipating the dreaded day when all of their work would be undone. I would end up taking everything down while they were not there and "surprising" them with a normal surrounding once more. Of course I was moaning and complaining the entire time because I got no help.

Then there were the endless dashed hopes and wishes of the day after Christmas. The gifts were acknowledged and set aside. The boxes and paper had been disposed of and the together time had become stifling. All the rush of the preparations, the adrenaline of the times, dissipated in less than twenty-four hours. Promises to scale down and appreciate the family more next year fade by the end of October when the stores are once again filled with enticing ways of distracting us.

All of this pricks my heart as I no longer have that. All of the frustration I once felt turned into regret of never experiencing those crazy, busy, hectic times. Sure I see the decorations in the stores and I do have  my new family, but it isn't the same. The dynamics have changed. The players have changed in this season of life. But I haven't changed.

I want to leave all of you with a few thoughts.

You may never be able to go through a stress-free Christmas. You  may not have a family who will wake up one day and be the spitting image of a Rockwell-ian painting. You may go through some terrible crises as a family around the holidays. But the fact still remains that you NEVER can predict when those family member, those dear friends, those loved ones who continued "tradition" no matter how troublesome the moments were, will not be there. Life happens. Circumstances change. Divorce, Disease. Death. They are game-changers. We need to forever keep that thought in the forefront of our minds in order to appreciate even the tough times we face.

Finding my voice

After writing yesterday's blogpost I got called on the carpet about not helping anyone. Well, the people-pleaser that I am, I just HAD TO address that.

If you will recall, I wrote about being a people-pleaser, being a perfectionist and I suppose there was a little "procrastination" thrown in the mix. Well, I honestly don't want to stay there. I want to grow and become a better writer. And if you are in the same boat as I am, you will not want to stay stagnant as a a writer either. So this is my attempt at helping myself as well as you (only because I am a little selfish that way).

When I turned forty, MANY years ago, something happened to me. For some reason the filter I had on my tongue just disappeared. I began spouting off things that eventually led to a series of events that I now regret. I had been so excited at the time because I felt as if I could finally speak my mind and actually get away with it. I felt liberated. I mean, I had always looked up to older generations and wanted to have the courage to say what was on my mind. I was so excited to have finally have found "my voice."

Years passed and I hurt so many people in the wake of my life. They left me, said cruel things, and abandoned me to my selfish ways. I understand now that they were merely responding to the things that I said, but at the time I honestly believed that they were trying to curtail "my voice." and since I had discovered it, I felt it as much a part of me as it should have always been. I began a blog. I expressed my feeling of hurt and frustration at the world around me, not considering anything but the fact that I was now finally able to express myself.

Then I met a man.

This man, in spite of the fact that I continued to express my thoughts and opinions, did not retaliate. (Well, he did a little, but that was for his own protection.) He assured me that he would always give me the freedom to use "my voice." BUT something he did changed EVERYTHING! He began to show me that what I had been doing for years was NOT using my voice but merely speaking my mind. He showed me that there was a distinct difference. The difference was this....drumroll, please....

Using my voice meant taking all of me, the past experiences, the doubts, the fears, the memories, the dreams, the highs and lows, and recognizing that nobody in the world had that unique combination. These things made me who I was. And filtering what I said through those experiences was actually "my voice." 

WOW! What a revelation! Did you get that? We are each unique. We each have a voice and it has NOTHING to do with age or having the ability to speak your mind. When the skill of using one's voice is honed, we will not deliberately hurt others haphazardly. We will be able to use the power of our words, filtered through everything, and find something beautiful to say.

So, my writer friends...Do you see what your voice is? Do you see how there will never be another person in the world who writes exactly like you do? You are unique!  Don't do what I did and try to imitate those famous authors who seem to sneeze out a novel every year. They may be a good writer, but they had discovered their voice a long time ago and it took them years to get to where they are today. Do you really want to be just like them? Do you want to go through everything they had to go through to get where they are? It took me almost fifty years to get where I am, I have no intention of starting over. I want to start now!

So, while I sit here, attempting to convey a very strong message, I will slowly figure out my venue for expressing the beauty that I know is within me. I sit here and raise my coffee cup to all of you who will joint me in the pursuit of not just finding, but using, your voice!

Hello. My name is Petra, and I am a people-pleaser.

Can you relate at all? Please say yes. Because I don't want to be in this boat alone. But the clincher is, I am also a perfectionist. These two traits are totally self-destructive when it comes to being a writer. Want to know how I know this? It took me all of thirty minutes to come up with the first five sentences of this blog when it should have taken me two!

I start things and then don't finish them because there is something that isn't "quite right." Then I go back and if there is something that might be just the least bit offensive I take it out. I am left with nothing. So what is my solution? Don't do anything. On my "writing" bookshelves I have countless projects I have begun - memoirs, stories, ideas, character profiles, and even a bit of poetry that sit gathering dust. My email inbox is overflowing with advice and wonderful how-to advice. Boy do I love reading those! I have my Pinterest board  "writing" full of articles I think I will get around to at some point and one board full of inspirational quotations.

Most of the writing advice is, "Sit and just write!" What a wonderful thought. I think I will ponder that for a while and let it REALLY sink in. While I do that I think I will flip the TV on and watch hours of mindless television. Or perhaps I will read. No, reading puts me in a mood to write because I start to think. And the ideas somehow get stuck in my head. I have read about the idea of "dumping." Have you? It is where you just sit with a pen and paper and just write EVERYTHING that comes into your head. Well, I just cannot bring myself to do that. My handwriting would be atrocious or it would have no order to it. Darn that perfectionism!

Let me further address the aspect of the people-pleasing side of me, since that is how I began this post. (See how I have to have everything just so even now?) I have a mind and a voice that is screaming in my head to be freed. But I am paralyzed because I fear that people will judge me for those thoughts and not like me anymore. So those ideas and opinions stay trapped in an endless cavern, eventually to die because of malnutrition. (Yes, I personify my ideas since they are so alive in this naggen of mine.)

So, maybe I am not cut out to be a writer.

Nah....my stubbornness takes over here and keeps me just frustrated enough early in the morning where I sit in front of a blank screen and force myself to write - even something horrible - so I can press the backspace key and make it blank again.

Hello, my name is Petra and I am a stubborn, perfectionist, people-pleaser. Enough about me....How are you? And tell me YOUR affliction in writing.

Expressing creativity doesn't come easily to me. That may sound odd to some of you, but it is true. Notice that I said "expressing" creativity and NOT creativity itself. Ever since I can remember I have found ways to make something, whether furniture for my Barbie dolls when I was a child or crocheted blankets as an adult. I used to teach how to rubber stamp when I sold Stampin' Up! products and I told every one of my classes, "Each of us are creative in our own way. We were made in the image of God who is the Ultimate Creative being!" I honestly believe that. Your platform may be taking pictures, baking cookies, gardening, or painting. Your outlet could be cooking, designing buildings, organizing or teaching. Each of us has a creative side and I think it is marvelous!

Lately I have been having somewhat of a "creative block." Not because I have become non-creative, but because I seem to have been overwhelmed with so many ideas that I have thrown up my hands in despair, not knowing where to begin. I have so many books to read that I feel as if the virtual and literal bookcases are going to fall in on me and drown me. My head and notebooks are filled with ideas that cry out to be let loose in some forum. My craft bins contain projects that I have been itching to finish, and I am afraid that I have forgotten so much of my trip to Europe over two years ago that I will not do the scrapbook justice. My baskets are overflowing with yarn projects and I get frustrated that they will not be completed in time for Christmas. And my cookbooks are gathering dust on my baker's rack."Calgon, take me away!!!"

Alas, there is no Calgon. Only my will and time.

Therefore, I am going to attempt to do some of the things that I long to do, and if others get lost in the mix, I will trust that I will either eventually get to them or they were never meant to be finished. I have been listening to and reading some wonderfully inspirational speakers and they all have some great thoughts. But the bottom line is I need to get off my "bottom" and just act upon SOMETHING. So here I am, writing to you. I want to share with you my thoughts, struggles, ills, insights, and possible a few hard lessons that I have learned along the way. This is going to be one of the ways I "express" my creativity.

Today I am going to begin a calendar, of sorts, to jot down what I would like to express. This is my journey. This is life as I know it. I realize that not everyone will see things the way I do, but some of you will. Some of you will want to hear what I have to say and some of you won't. That's okay. I have to learn that lesson, and I am learning that lesson daily. I just ask that if you enjoy or are even curious about what I have to express, please pass this along to others who you light think might enjoy it as well. Come back and see me often, as I am committing myself to you. You never know what will pop up on this blog. How do I know that? Because I don't even know for sure. That's the fun of expressing myself. I promise to be honest and forthright. My sense of humor may or may not come through. But I am determined to be real. My desire is to have my soul exposed. So please be kind.

Until next time,

Petra

Passion

PASSION

I have always thought of myself as a passionate person. Not sure why. Maybe when I am measured up next to someone who is quiet, I can see myself as passionate. Or perhaps it is because I can get loud when I am defending myself or a point of view that I have. Or maybe it is because of the fact that when I am doing something that I like, my attention is focused on that which I am doing. But now, as I sit alone here in my study, I have to question, "Am I really passionate?"

Yesterday, my fiance spent the whole day taking pictures of places where he grew up - places from which his family hailed. He spent hours talking to people about his heritage. He took two things he is passionate about - photography and genealogy - and married them in such a beautiful way. Then he came home and 

talked more about his day that I have ever heard him talk before. He has passion!

I get on the computer and I scroll through Pinterest and YouTube looking at things I like and I constantly come across websites and videos of people who are passionate about something. They want the world to know that they LOVE what they do, whether it be crafting, reading, blogging, writing novels, teaching how to do things...it is a powerful force - passion.

This definition was taken from the encyclopedia:

Passion (from the Latin verb patere meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, compelling enthusiasm or desire for anything.

You know what I am talking about, don't you? I am sure that if you were honest with yourself you would find that there is a hobby, a person, a topic that you are passionate about. I think that is marvelous! I honestly do. But at the same time, can I say..."I am completely jealous"?  Those of you who know me would think I am being completely ridiculous. But before you completely dismiss my admission, please hear me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am a little tree which is blown to and fro in the wind - the winds that come from one direction in the form of "writing" and then the next direction in the form of "crafting." I really like doing those things. Honestly. But then I get started on something because that "passion" is ignited and then a slight breeze blows, perhaps in the form of technology and I get sidetracked. I want nothing more than to get excited about the new electronic gadget. I get a little consumed. Oh, but then the breeze of reading comes along and I just start collecting every book I can and spend countless hours curled up wherever I can, reading. I can get very passionate about reading. But, darn it, another breeze blows me in the direction and I want nothing more than to research all of my family history. I seems like nobody else is as "passionate" about is as I am.

Now, some would say, "Petra, there is nothing wrong with liking all of those things and even participating in them." Of course I understand that, but that's not the point, is it? I desire to have the passion, not to do lots of things fairly well, but to do something well, and passionately to the point where it somehow defines who I am. I don't want the legacy of being the one who was swayed by each passing breeze. There simply isn't enough time in my days to pursue a multitude of interests so vehemently.  I want to be propelled out of bed in the morning to pursue something and not be satisfied until I complete something that fuels my passion. I want to lay in bed, trying to sleep, but being consumed by how I want to work on that something with passion.

Trying to discover the passionate side without being overwhelmed is difficult. Because one person might suggest I devote my time and attention to one area solely based on the fact that they either understand that particular thing or they have been impressed with something I have done. But people are different, aren't they? And therefore another person will encourage me to pursue something that maybe interests them. But passion comes from within each person and one cannot compel another person to be passionate for selfish reasons. Each person must discover for themselves their passion, that motivating desire that brings joy to their soul and makes their eyes dance and flicker when they speak about it.

I guess that's the answer. I must listen, not to the words that come out of my mouth of what my desires are, but listen to my heart. What makes my heart skip a beat when I speak about it? What makes my soul sing when I am doing it? This is what I desire. I want to find the song in my spirit. I want to dance, perhaps not literally, when I think about my passion.

I challenge you as well to find that passion within you. Don't be ashamed or hide from it because you don't think others will find it silly. What they will see, if they really care about you, is the life that you are living. The joy in your heart and the light in your eyes. What kind of world would we be a part of (even our small part) if we all saw the light in each other instead of faults?

Just a little rambling,

Petra

Instant Gratification

Everyone knows that we live in a world of instant gratification. The success of certain television shows is one example. Scenes from Downton Abbey are short and move quickly. People are fascinated with trying to "speed things up." Think of all of the technology in the world today that strives to make things "easier." (AKA quicker) From the minute we wake up in the morning, grabbing a "quick" shower" to a quick cup of coffee. Breakfast in the microwave, if at all. Dishwasher to quickly do the dishes. Quick commute to work. Quick lunch so we can do something for ourselves during that hour (if we indeed get an hour). And the particular activity, whether reading, chatting with co-workers, taking a walk or playing a game, must also be done quickly in order to return to work. Then home to quickly get dinner and quickly do the chores to get to bed and start the whole routine over again.

This is the dilemma in which I now find myself and I am intrigued at the fact that it took me so long to discover this about myself. I am caught up in that same notion of instant gratification. And I believe that this fact alone has caused me to postpone doing so many of the things that I had, in the past, so enjoyed doing.

Many of you knew me when I would spend hours making cards and putting together photo albums. I still have all of the supplies and they sit, gathering dust, somewhere in my home. Why? I so enjoy being creative and making something from various pieces of paper and such. So why have I not continued? I know. Because it takes too long to get everything out, craft, and them put it all away again.

I love to write. And some have even indicated that I am fairly proficient at it. But I want instant gratification, and since writing takes SO LONG, I just continue to procrastinate until I either move on to another idea for a story which I then start but never finish, or I lose patience with it altogether. Then I think, "Short story! Forget the novel - it takes too long." But that gets pushed aside for yet another idea for something-or-other. It just isn't quick enough.

I am finding all this new techie stuff, things to make my writing easier. Ways to get motivated to craft. But the technology designed to get me excited about doing things, just turns into another excuse to find another quick solution.

This might seem like mere ramblings to some of you, and for that I apologize. I am just tired of the rat race and look forward to slowing down. Honestly. I do WANT to complete some projects. I want to sit in front of the television and crochet mindlessly for hours. I want to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to finish a few pages in the photo album I started of my trip to Europe two years ago. I want to open up the computer and sit, sipping coffee, and allowing the words of my story to flower into a beautiful garden.

This shouldn't be difficult for me!  I am a planner!  I make lists! I formulate plans! Why can't I simply make this stuff happen? Why can't I just relax and take the time I need to complete something? Why can't I get past the whole idea of instant gratification? I mean after all, some of my fondest memories have come from those times where I did just that.

Maybe I will just make a list of all the things I need to stop doing. Maybe I will make a plan of attack. Maybe I will just stay home from work today and think about the state of my affairs. Nah!  I need to be able to eat and afford all of the stuff that makes my life "quicker." Fun will just have to wait.

Until my next ramblings,

Petra

"The Second Chance: A 'Pride and Prejudice' - 

'Sense and Sensibility' Variation"

by Joana Starnes

I just finished reading this book last night. It was one of those books where I knew it was coming to an end but I didn't want it to end. The author was kind enough to show what happened to the characters years down the road, but it was too brief. I wish I could have followed the story in as much detail as the actual story.

As you can likely gather, I truly enjoyed this book. It had me giggling. It had me crying. It had me angry and mostly I read it with a smile on my face. I enjoy alternatives to Jane Austen's work, but I have read some ill-written stories and it saddens me. This is NOT one of those books. I loved the way the author has taken the characters and done, at the beginning of the book, what it took Jane Austen until the end of the book to come around to. It satisfied that part of me that has always said, "They should be together now. I want to see what happens after they are together, not what happens until they get together." For I knew they would be together in the end. And the eloquent way in which she weaves the two novels together and intertwines the characters into one story...It is beautiful and makes perfect sense! 

OK - so from here on out I may be revealing a little of the actual story and you may not want to read this if you don't like to know what happens in the book beforehand.

The story is about Fitzwilliam Darcy and how he realizes that his callous and rude behavior and words have affected the one person he cannot stop thinking about - Elizabeth Bennet. He learns that no matter how hard he attempts to push her out of his life with tradition, opinions of family, and manipulation of circumstances, his heart longs for her, knowing that she brings out the best in him. I absolutely love this concept! I mean, how many of us would find the best "match" for us if we looked beyond what society told us was acceptable and appropriate for us? 

Anyway, I love the way jealousy is introduced and how it quickens the heart for another. Darcy hears of Elizabeth and Colonel Brandon (see how the stories mingle?) and assumes they are together. He is furious, not with them, but with himself for not having declared his feelings for her sooner and not "knowing" her feelings. He realizes that he never cared to know what Elizabeth was feeling and was only concerned with his own affection for her. His love for her begins to blossom, I believe, at this point because he begins wanting what was best for Elizabeth, ready to put his feelings aside to honor her wishes.

That is just one instance in this book that I felt completely drawn to because the author does such a fine job in conveying the beautiful love story between Darcy and Elizabeth in the style and fashion of the original Jane Austen novels. I hope that you have gained a little insight into this book and will decide to pick it up for yourself and delve into the serene life of purity of "The Second Chance: A 'Pride and Prejudice" - 'Sense and Sensibility" Variation and come away with a sense of hope in this ever-changing world of ours.

Until I find the next book to read,

Petra

Language is a odd thing. I mean, seriously! Have you ever been to a foreign country? Try and understand what they are saying when you ask for directions in English. Try and ask for directions in their language. Sign language helps, true. But what if you want to ask where the nearest bathroom is? That might be a "wee" bit embarrassing.

This morning I got to thinking about communication. The whole premise of good communication  is based on the fact that the people involved speak the same language. But the problem arises when we assume everyone speaks "our language." And of course, they don't. And I am not talking English versus German here. I am talking something deeper. Something more substantial. I am talking about the language of the heart. The way we communicate our deepest fears and thoughts. 

I honestly think that one of the most hurtful things in this world is when we share a special feeling or desire and the person we are speaking to completely misunderstands and misconstrues what we have just said. It is hurtful and we must make a decision. Either we must keep that thought to our self from now on OR we must learn to speak that other person's language. The deciding factor, of course, is whether or not we want to make the investment in that person to learn their language, isn't it?

This concept is getting more and more relevant to me the closer I get to marriage. That will be "the day" that will set the communication process upside down for me. Oh, sure, we talk all the time. And about some very difficult subjects. But right now there is time to actually THINK about what we say before we speak. What happens when I get very annoyed at the fact that a particular chore wasn't done - to my satisfaction? How will I communicate that without alienating my husband? What happens when my moodiness rears it's ugly head and my husband needs to set things a little "straighter" - without making me take a cast iron skillet to his head? It's called communication, isn't it? And not just what we WANT to say, but what language the other person speaks. 

I sit here at my desk looking at a picture of my sweetheart grinning at me. I want to learn how he thinks. How he processes things. Just like I want him to do the same for me. But it IS a struggle to learn a new language. It's difficult to understand what shapes another person when we truly haven't figured out what has shaped us. But then I think about what the scripture says, "...as far as it depends on you, live in unity one with another." Well, it looks like I will be learning Gerald-ese real soon. I just wish there was a Rosetta Stone course for that!

Until next time,

Petra

A Little Book Review

OK - Yesterday I told you that I was reading this book and that I was almost done. Well, I did actually finish it, And as with any of the books I have read by Emily Giffin I am impressed. 

Here are some of the reasons I so enjoy her writing:

1. She writes in the present tense. I wish I could write that way and do it as well. For those of you who are not sure what this means, it's difficult to explain. Let's just say that that she writes as if the action is happening now. Not as if there is a narrator who is telling about what happened. Emily is one of the few authors that writes this way and I thoroughly enjoy it - probably because I know how difficult it is to write that way.

2. She does not use gratuitous sex to draw the reader in. She uses imagery and romance to get the reader to fill in the necessary blanks. And that is exactly what a good writer should do.

3. She has just enough characters to make the story interesting. One more and it would be confusing, Fewer and it would be just plain dull.

4. She tackles the things most women think about but rarely voice. Issues like "If I am in love with my best friend's man, should I pursue him and risk the friendship?" OR "If my husband has an affair, should I leave him or forgive him?" And she tackles these issues in such a way that the reader 'feels' for each character, understanding their thought processes. And she, in my opinion, does a wonderful job in resolving each relationship.

I have come away from each of Emily Giffin's books with a new perspective about life and relationships. This one, "Heart of the Matter" is no different. As a believer, I know that many of the topics in these books are "sin" but at the same time they are "human." This book has me thinking about the value of a marriage. Each marriage has its seasons and we can be excited, bored, or just indifferent. Each season brings its challenges and we need to take it for what it is - part of marriage. And there should be nothing that separates us. Do we fall into temptation and sin? Occasionally we all do, don't we? Some sins are more evident than others, but sin is sin, right? But is there anything "unforgivable"? That is the million dollar question, isn't it?

If Emily Giffin, a writer who I don't believe to be a Christian, can see the value of forgiveness, not having accepted the forgiveness of Christ, then shouldn't we, as Christians, be the role model and show the world what true forgiveness truly looks like? I deal with the topic of forgiveness on a daily basis. Those of you who know my story understand that. I wish that my children and ex-husband could have extended to me the forgiveness they had been shown by others. If they had, then we could have been an example of how divorce can hurt a family but not destroy it.

I think I am going to have to take a break from Emily Giffin for a little while and let these thoughts marinate a bit. I don't want to get too overwhelmed in my though processes. Maybe I should read a little Stephen King to frighten me back into my shell.

Thanks for reading my thoughts when you could be doing something more adventurous, like exploring your own psyche. Because yours is probably way more fascinating.

Petra

I Likes What I Likes

Dear literary friends,

This morning I read an article about not liking what everyone else likes. Well, kinda...It was more about feeling "wrong" about not liking what everyone else likes. You can read it for yourself if you like.

http://bookriot.com/2014/07/05/perils-feeling-dumb-reading-2/

And what did I do right after I read it?  I picked up a book that I have been wanting to read and just dug my heels in. It honestly wasn't difficult because it was something that I actually enjoyed reading.  I will finish it here in a few minutes. But my point is this...I wonder sometimes why I bother reading all of these lists "Best Summer Reads of 2014" or  "20 Books Every Writer Should Read" or "Literature that Everyone Should Take Time to Read". I get all these lofty ideas and then take a look at my TBR stack and think "When will I ever find time to read everything?" I bought "The Book Thief" after it came out and it took me MONTHS to get through half of it!  It was boring and dark and I just couldn't stand it! Many people rave about the book, and now the movie, and say I should give it a chance. Really?

Do you want to know what I think? (If not you don't have to continue reading.) I think that a reading list is as unique as each individual. And nobody should "recommend" books that they enjoy, suggesting that EVERYONE will enjoy them.  It is unfair, really. I mean, what I read makes me intrinsically "me" and I shouldn't kowtow to the whims of another reader. Should I? I don't have to read ALL of "The Book Thief" to know that I will not like it. I don't have to read the Harry Potter series to know that I will not really enjoy the plot at all.  I am not saying that others shouldn't enjoy it. I am just saying that everyone will not enjoy it. Is there anything wrong with that? I was given a book by Terry Pratchett to read from my fiance because he wanted me to "expand my mind." I gave it a try. I didn't like it at all. I don't think I made it through the first chapter. Does that make me Stubborn? Resistant to change? Close-minded? Ignorant of what is good? I don't think so. I just know what I like and what I don't like. I don't need to finish a book to know if I don't like it. I mean I don't have to finish a bad meal to know it's 'bad'. I know it will be bad from the first bite!

My shelves are packed with famous authors whose books I have never read and I have heard they are awesome: James Patterson, Tom Clancy, Stephen King, John Grisham, and Nora Roberts. All were recommended to me because I love Mary Higgins Clark. And I have most of her books so that I can re-read everything. But there just isn't enough time in the day.  So I will be content to read what was popular many years ago or what was free on my Kindle. I am sure I will find a niche that I will love, as I already have, but until then I refuse to accept any more recommendations. I will just keep adding books to my TBR stack that look appealing to the eye for some reason or another. That's how I will express my ignorance!

Apologizing to my reading friends,

Petra

Breaking out of Your comfort Zone

Crossed the line, I have. I have begun the journey that I did't realize I needed to take. The one that wove me me in and out of several books at once without any tying together of thoughts other than "What book am I reading again?"  I am fairly proud of myself, though, for actually picking one and finishing it.  It is one reason I wanted to share with you this morning. But another reason is that I want you to rejoice with me that stepping out of my 'comfort zone' didn't really kill me. It just delayed the comfort.

So today I wanted to share a little of what I leaned after crossing that "comfort zone" line.

Lesson #1 - Sometimes you cannot rely on another's recommendations. Case in point:

I started reading it and was completely lost withing the first few chapters.  I tried, I honestly did. But I just couldn't follow along. So, I did what any non-reading person might do - I watched the "movie." Well I started to anyway. What in the world was HBO thinking!?!?! OK, so I got the gist of the story line but all the gratuitous nudity, sex, and violence - completely uncalled for! Anyway, I decided that since I could now safely say I can follow the story line I will continue to read the book but it will always come second, or even third, in my "to-read' virtual pile. I will eventually finish it but I am fairly certain it will not become a series in which I will read every book.

Lesson #2 - Sometime I bite off way more than I can comfortably chew.

What a great story line. I have never read anything that has has to do with time travel. The author is wonderful at explaining everything. I have no doubt that he is very knowledgeable. After all, he did write the book about writing the book. ("Writing Fiction for Dummies") I am very interested in the book and am enjoying the content. But when I think I am about halfway done, I look down and see I have 800 pages to go...well, let's just say I am feeling a little defeated. Hopefully I will be able to finish the book this year and actually give you a small synopsis.

Lesson #3 - Sometimes I need a break from all the fiction and need to focus on...well...writing...fiction. Hmmm. That's an odd thought. Anyway, my Muse and Sweetheart (fortunately one in the same) saw my stagnant position in writing and lent me a copy of a wonderful book.

(Not only is he encouraging when he is around me but he is also when I am alone - how can that be?) Well, he saw that I was at a standstill in writing my characters and that I needed a little 'push' and this book was the ticket I needed to continue. I am only half-way through it and I have become more knowledgeable about my craft and I look forward to one day reading what YOU have to say about my stories. If any of you have any interest in writing, I HIGHLY recommend this book.

And my last lesson...

Lesson #4 - Sometimes crossing the line of comfort is bittersweet.

I thought I was buying a fan fiction book about "Pride and Prejudice", and I guess I could find a few links to that classic, but all I read was an author's attempt to educate the world on British society.

The dialogue and descriptions were totally British and that was the "sweet" part of the book.  I gained some insight to their "phrase-ology" and lifestyles. But the bitter came in with all of the foul language. Why does profanity even sound classy when written by an English person? OK...so I broke out of the comfort zone by reading this style, and I actually finished it because I enjoyed the story line.  A spoiled rich girl, who was handed everything, including her Prada handbags, on a silver platter, goes broke and has to learn how the average "Joe" makes a living. Throw in the mix a handsome rescuer who teaches her about the value of money, a best friend who is pregnant and whose husband is a  blackmailer and hits on every woman he sees who can fatten his wallet, an ex-boyfriend who is a rock star and secretly a lord's son, and a grandfather who is about to see his company go under, and you have the makings of "Prada and Prejudice."

I didn't learn any valuable lessons, or find any reason to recommend this book. But I did want to say I actually finished SOMETHING! And since this was the shortest, it became, by default, the one I chose.

Sadly, in the last month I have probably acquired at least at least 40 more free books from Bookbub and I have no idea which I will read next, if any of them, since I have at least that many on my bookshelves that have gone unread so far. I am really wondering where that comfort zone line is and if I like it there or if I need to come back to what I find familiar.

I still have several books - count them, nine - books that lay started and not finished on my shelf. Maybe I could finish them? Well, I could, but then again, I have my Muse giving me even more books to read that are suppposed to "expand my mind". I appreciate that, honestly. But sometimes a girl needs her comfort. So, please hand me my blanket, a cup of coffee and a sweet story about romance, or maybe a murder, or maybe a psychological thriller, or maybe a fantasy or maybe...Well, maybe I AM ready for whatever genre is put in my hand. Just give me time and caffeine to keep me awake for the thousand pages it takes to tell the story!

E-books vs. hard copies

Last night I posed the question to my Facebook friends and families -

"I am taking a quick poll - for all of you readers out there...
Nook/Barnes and Noble , Kindle/Amazon, I-Pad/Mac or hard copy of the actual book. AND why? I really want to know and there will be NO judgements!"

The answers will not surprise anyone. Some preferred hard copies and some preferred e-books. Some were ambivilent, enjoying both. Some were adamant about their choices. I was taking an informal poll at work and found the same kinds of answers. I am not here to judge, merely share my own point of view. And this is what I intend to do.

There are some thing that I refuse to debate - books have been around for thousands of years, and e-books are recent. Those are given facts. It is the passion about such things that I wish to explore today. Why are people so passionate about things? That is why I asked, in the original question, "why?"

Please allow me to expound on a few things here: Whether iPad (mini or other) or Kindle or Nook,

E-readers are here to stay. They have become part of the school systems in many parts of the country, and for good reason. The young people today are caught up in electronics and likely will be more likely to pick up an e-reader to read a book than they are a hard copy. (I am generalizing here, of course because I know there are many kids and young people who prefer hard copies.) In addition, it is less expensive to place all of the books as well as textbooks on devices. Easier on the backs of those kids so they won't have to carry fifty pounds of books on their backs every day.

E-books on a device take up no extra space than the device themselves, and in today's economy, many homes have no room to walk around, much less store the hundreds and thousands of books that we own. E-books can be accessed anywhere and can be bought at any time at much lower prices than hard copies.  All of this is fact. But there is a 'downside' to e-readers. Other than the Kindle Fire, e-readers cannot be read outside in bright sun because of the glare. So, there you have it. The electronic book.

 

Now, on to the hard copy book.  No one is debating (not here anyway) the legitimacy of an authentic book. Some are old and some new. They have been around for ages and have affected many people. They are great additions to shelving, which have been created for the sole purpose of storing these treasures - it's not called a "book"shelf for nothing!  I mentioned in one of my more recent posts that I have had a love of books since I was knee-high to a tadpole - as many of you. They have been a part of our lives for so very long, haven't they. No, you cannot open the actual leafy pages of a kindle and smell the musty smells of a hard copy. Hard copies require some sort of book mark, and DO NOT dog ear the pages. (Not sure why that is but that is what my mom told me as a child and I refuse to do that.) No, you won't be able to 'crack' open a new book and be the first person to thumb through the pages on an e-reader. These are wonderful characteristics of a hard copy alone.

 

So, what, you may ask, is the point of this post then? I cannot refute any facts. Facts are facts. And passion is passion. A person loves their e-reader or hard copy for a reason. As some answered on my FB page, they are around electronic devises all day long and don't want to read their books on one. Others love the portability of their electronic reader. Everyone has a preference, don't they? I just want to offer some words of wisdom to those who 'nay-say' others' preferences, "Please don't do that." You never know why a person picks up their worn, tattered copy of "Lord of the Rings." Perhaps they spent many hours escaping a circumstance in the confines of a bedroom. And please do not mock a person for using their e-reader on a constant basis. Perhaps they don't have a place to store all the copies of a particualr series and the cost associated with it.

 

Personally, my favorite place to go is a bookstore. It's always been like that.  I like visiting each section and fingering the spines of each, dreaming of owing my own bookstore. I love walking into a used bookstore and smelling the aroma of 'age' and knowing that the books have touched thousands of lives. I love trying to find space on my bookshelves for more books and I absolutely cannot refuse buying books, even though I ran out of room long ago.

 

That said, I love my e-reader. I have almost 300 books totalled on my kindle and nook.  I am constantly getting more and more to add to the collection as well. I cannot stop myself.  Books are books, after all! The thing is, I don't mind not finishing a book in my e-reader, but I feel extremely guilty if I bought a hard copy. I feel like I wasted money (in a small way).

 

The bottom line, my friends, is that it doesn't matter what form you use, it's the fact that you are reading. You can be transported to new worlds and new adventures, or you can be reading the latest how-to book on either. The point is that you are reading. That's the most important thing, isn't it? Be passionate about your reading and don't let others stifle that enthusiam.

 

Wishing I could stay home from work and read,

 

Petra

 



OK....I stayed up late last night and finished the book.  Are you impressed?  That's okay, I didn't read it for you. I read it for me and it was delightful!

This book is about a young woman whose dream is to marry a man "Just like Mr. Darcy" from the movie "Pride and Prejudice." And not just any character, but the combination of the fictional character and the real Matthew MacFadyen. (I personally quite prefer Colin Firth, but it wasn't a story about me, was it?) The story , although fun and fast, causes a person to think about what happens when reality strikes and it doesn't match up to your dream.  The main character, Elizabeth Barrett (named after Elizabeth Bennett), falls for one man and then the perfect "Mr. Darcy" walks into her life and she must now face the dilemma of breaking up with the man she fell for in order to pursue the man she has always dreamed of being with. There are ups and down and the author, Karie White, does a wonderful job of making the characters both believable and interesting. I will not spoil the ending for you, however.

I wanted to discuss a certain topic that has to do with this book, but more importantly it as to do with life. It is the idea of having a dream. Not just any dream when you sleep, but having a desire. A desire so strong that you live FOR that dream, forgetting reality. I know, not everyone is as crazy as I am but I am also sure that there are more people out there like me who do this, either consciously or subconsciously.

The reason, I think, that I enjoyed the book as much as it did is because it had a very close similarity to my own life on a few levels. First, I had a very real dream of going to Italy a few years ago, and when I did, I needed to decide if the dream in my head matched up to the reality of my actually being there.  I was very nervous about that for a few months. Well, I was nervous about it for a lot longer because it kept me from actually wanting to go for a while. Anyway...I went and the reality was SO much better that my dream. In fact, I read an article recently about Italy and it took me there once more in my mind and it was is if I was there! You can read it if you have time:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/28/travel/28Venice.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

The other way it rang true was because I, like many other single woman in the world, have an 'idea' of what the perfect man would be.  I had formed it when I was a young woman, before I had met my ex-husband, and I specifically looked for a man with those features and characteristics. I had based it on someone that I loved and it just seemed like nobody could measure up. Even the man I married didn't 'measure up.' And as I went through twenty-three years of marriage, I changed the qualities I wanted and desired. Sometimes I think doing that made me dissatisfied with the one in my life, but I was deliberately trying to take away any negative qualities. (I mean who doesn't want a 'Mr. Perfect'?)  After the divorce I tried chasing that 'dream' of a man again, never finding him. Then I met Gerald.  He had a few of the things I was looking for in a partner, but not many. (Sorry, Babe) He was smart, caring, loving, and funny as all get out! There are so many qualities that he had that never made my list, but possibly should have, and he had some qualities I found kind of annoying, but I cared for him deeply. However, he wasn't that Mr. Perfect I had built up in my head.  Then THE Mr. Perfect came into my life - the one I had compared every man to - and I thought I had everything.  Well, I couldn't have Gerald and this other man, now, could I? So I hurt Gerald very badly in order to give Mr. Perfect a shot.  And guess what? He completely dashed all my dreams.  I had built him up so much in my mind that even HE couldn't live up to it, not even a little. And he turned out to be scum! I mean Mr. Wickham kind of scum (read "Pride and Prejudice"). And now I had nothing except a dashed dream and a broken heart. But there was something I had not couted on. That Gerald had the ONE quality I needed most - unconditional acceptance. He actually allowed me back into his life and we are now planning a future together.

See? Sometimes dreams come true (Italy), and sometimes they don't (Mr. Perfect). Does that mean we shouldn't have dreams?  I don't think so. But I do think that we should always remember that reality is so much better than any dream.

Read the book if you have the chance - you will not regret it. http://www.amazon.com/Own-Mr-Darcy-Karey-White-ebook/dp/B00DY6QP3I/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1401793088&sr=1-1&keywords=my+own+mr+darcy

And stay tuned...because my next topic will be the difference between Kindle/Nook/hard copy books. Care to weigh in your opinions now?

Looking at my next book in the TBR pile,

Petra

 

Finding My Song in "Voice"

 

 

I have been doing way more reading about writing than actual writing lately and that stinks to me. I just want to write, but the more I read about it the more I wonder if I am ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that I should just do it. But most writers I know (not that I personally 'know' any) understand that it really isn't as easy as the Nike commercial suggests "Just Do It."

 

I have a song I want to sing. It's a song about pain and redemption. It's about love and forgiveness. It's based on my own life.  It's a difficult song to sing because I find myself in the throngs of the pain, as if I am a Thornbird, singing my most beautiful song as I die...not literally of course. I find myself dealing with emotions and thoughts that mean I need to 'die' to in order to write them with the passion that is truly needed. This song hurts to sing, but I must sing it, because if I do not, I cannot move forward and sing my next song.

 

Some of you may understand this kind of agony. You too have a song you must sing.  And no matter the style or venue, you must find "you". You must find your voice.  And this dilemma has been plaguing me this past week as I struggle to write my "song". You see, I need to find my voice.  I need to find what makes me uniquely 'me.' And once I have those ideas down, only then can my song be unique to me.

 

I have been reading lately - taking a break from my writing for a piece. I have read several different styles by several different authors. Once you read a certain author a few times, you will begin to see their 'way'. I can read one author and say to myself, "that is just like me." Or, "that is something I would say." Or, "That is just how I would word that sentence."  So now I am just a little befuddled. If I am seeing my style in others' writings, how am I ever going to find "me"?  This is a question that keeps me from singing my song, I suppose.  Because I do not want people to read my work and say, "She writes just like so-and-so." I want to be Petra.  That's all.

 





And so as I continue to learn more about myself and how I relate to the world around me, I am finding it increasingly more important to not only to find my voice but be able to communicate in such a way as to be understood.  So as I continue on my journey of discovery and write about life as I see it, I ask that you would, if you are the praying kind, to pray that I will find my voice before the words I need to share all but disappear into a foggy memory, not to be shared.

And if you are so inclined, I would ask that you too share your song using your beautiful voice - whether that be through the written word, a piece of art, a craft, or through the spoken word - because the world needs YOU!

Preparing to crouch on my "thorn",

Petra

P.S.  If you have not heard about the Thornbird, I suggest you Google it or watch the movie. The movie will take much longer but is very good and insightful.

Books are part of my life - they always have been.  And although I cannot brag about the great literature I read in high school, I can certainly say that I have read more than the average person, and that's saying quite a bit since, if you know me at all, I am a social butterfly and I seem to have very little time to read.  I remember growing up and not having much money to spend on books, but mom would always find a way to give me some money for those Scholastic book sales we had on a regular basis.  I also spent hours at the library. I will even admit to my first and only "theft" right here for all to see. When I was in kindergarten I stole a book from my class library because I wanted to take it home and reread it over and over again, even though my teacher specifically told me that books were not to be taken from the classroom.  Needless to say, I did suffer the consequences - I have a guilty conscience 43 years later.

Anyway, I honestly believe that I am who I am today because of the books I read because I formed opinions of the world around me based on what I read. I see the world through different eyes, I believe.  If you are a reader, you know what I mean. And pair my love of reading with my desire to write and I am a different "animal" altogether. But that's for another blog.

Today is the first of June and although I have a full time job, I still think of it as "reading season" because everyone tends to take vacations and catch up on some of the reading that they have been putting off other times of the year. So, in the next couple of days I am going to batten down the hatches and read voraciously and turn around and put a few book reviews here so that maybe you can start your own list of books to add to the "TBR (To be Read) stack."

(Please ignore the additions to pic)

 

 

I just finished reading this book, "The Carrie Diaries" by Candace Bushnell.  I bought it for a quarter at the Peddlar's Mall this past week and had to dig right in.  If you find foul language offensive or of you have no interest in the tv show of the same name, you will likely not enjoy this book. But I love reading all genres and this one appealed to me for several reasons.  First, I happen to enjoy the 'adult' series of the show on occasion and I find my style of writing similar to that of the ficticious Carrie Bradshaw. Therefore, this book intrigued me.  I was not disappointed in it all.  I enjoyed reading about a young woman struggling to be herself and find her place in the 'place of her dreams", doing that which she loved to do - write. I find myself on a similar journey, albeit in Kentucky and not NYC, although I would love to "make it there." This book was the first book I have read, that I can recall, in some time that was written in the present tense. This appealed to me as a writer and therefore I will expound upon it further in another blog. But I found the book to be a quick read - can be read in a long evening - and very enjoyable.

 

 

So, I wanted to let you know the reason, in case you cared to know, why I placed that introductory picture at the top. Because that is what I feel as if I have sitting on my 'nightstand.' I pile of opened books waiting to be finished. Sad, but true. In fact just last night I started not one but two books and I am going to enjoy them both equally. I hope that I eventually will actually be able to finish the stack of twleve plus books that I have started and not finished in the last few months, but that will be a cross I will have to bear I suppose. I can think of worse things in life.

 

I am in hopes to share the next two reviews on "Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin and "My Own Mr. Darcy" by Karey White with you next time. Until then, here's hoping your stack of TBR books shrinks this summer. (I am hoping mine will shrink in direct proportion to my belly but THAT is a whole other subject!)

 

Going through life one page at a time,

 

Petra

 

 

And in case you want to know some of the titles I hope to attack this summer:

 

Anything my James Patterson (Have never read anything by him yet)

Anything by John Grisham (Have never read anything by his yet either, although I love all the movies)

Something  by C.J. Box - in the last two years I have been atuned to his name and thoroughly enjoy his style of writing, done mostly in first person)

I want to re-read something by Mary Higgins Clark

I want to try a Horror/thriller and MAY tackle something by James Rubart

I want to re-read Ted Dekker's Circle series, adding "Green" to the mix

And I would also like to read "Rhett Butler's World"

 

This is just the beginning, as I KNOW I will find other titles that intrigue me enough to buy either the kindle/nook or paper versions and start, if not finish, even more.



 

 

One of my favorite parts of each day is opening up Pinterest and seeing if there were any new pictures posted about Italy.  As you can tell from my Profile picture in front of a vineyard and my bio stating that I love all things Italian, I am not sure why I didn't make Tuesdays about travel!

 

(The view getting off the train and entering Venice)

 

About two years ago I found myself waking up in a dream, or so it seemed for as long as I had dreamed about going to Italy!  I will remember every moment there and even though I will never be able to return, I will always have the pictures in my album and the memories in my heart.

 

(Pienza, Tuscany - one of the most quaint hill towns in all of Tuscany)

 

(The market in Florence where I attending a cooking class)

 

(Burano, Venice. The most colorful and perhaps my

 favorite place in the whole of Italy!)

 

(I believe this is San Giagmano, but I cannot be sure.  All of the hill towns of Tuscany start running together and start looking alike in ways)

 

(Trevi Fountain in Rome. I threw my coins in, but I was in a foul mood that day so perhaps I will not return.)

 

 

I hope that you have enjoyed a small taste of such a beautiful country with me and I will look forward to sharing a few more pictures next week.  One of these years I will actually put the pics in an actual photo album so I can peruse through them without having to be hooked upto a cord!

 

 

                                                                                                                                               

 

 

Enjoying my thoughts,

Petra

Did you miss me?

I have been "away" for a few days and I don't think I am going to pick up where I left off, rather I will just write what I would like to discuss today.  I want to talk about books and reading.  I am curious to know what everyone is reading today or even lately...because not everyone gets the chance to read every day.

I am a horrible person when it comes to reading because I can never finish something before I start something else.  My son might say my ADD is setting in, but I would prefer to think of it as I have different moods. Yeah, that sounds MUCH better! 

Today I bought two more books that I think I will start reading here in the next day or two, in addition to the few I have already started. On my Nook I am reading Bram Stoker's "Dracula" because I want to know how it all started - even though I believe legends began before that.  But I really want to know how to measure up the current movies and stories to the 'original.'

On my Kindle I am reading a book called "The Towers of Tuscany." It is set in Siena, Italy, long ago during the times of the great painters.  It's going kinda slow, so I thought I would branch out and get started on something else.

 http://www.amazon.com/Towers-Tuscany-Carol-M-Cram-ebook/dp/B00I49C70U/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400533058&sr=1-1&keywords=Towers+of+tuscany

So I bought another Kindle book, "Game of Thrones" by George R. R. Martin. Please don't ruin it for me since I am only YEARS behind the times on this one. But I just think it sounds like something I would like, especially since I loved "Lord of the Rings" and "Hobbit" as well as the Eragon series by Christopher Paolini.  When I am done with this series I plan on getting Suzanne Collins's series "Hunger Games." But that is much later.
     
                                               

Also, today, I picked up another book - a REAL book. One with pages and everything!  It is a non-fiction book, the title of which I would rather not reveal since it is a little too personal.  Suffice it to say that I am trying to better myself and that is ALWAYS a good thing. 

So....I guess you could say that I have a book for every mood. Dark. Historical. Fantasy. Helpful.  All I need now is something light...any suggestions?  Never mind, I am sure I can find something on my shelves of actual and digital shelves.  It's just a matter of getting started.  No telling when I will finish anything.  But that's kind of the fun thing for me, because in between reding all these books I am still writing. I'm a mess sometimes, not suhre whether I am coming or going, but I do know this - each place is magical and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

Delving into my own conscience now with my writing,

Petra

P.S. Have a wonderful rest of the week and I look forward to hearing from everyone on what books they enjoy or even what genre appeals to you.